Thursday, January 10, 2013

Fear

I've never really been the kind of person who is afraid of too much. I have some fears that I believe stem from the lack of a relationship with my father. Like I'm afraid of rejection. It's why I have such a hard time making friends, & I have a pretty serious fear of abandonment. But those fears have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I've learned to live with them. So while they're there, they're not overwhelming or terrifying.

However, the one thing that absolutely terrifies me is change. I hate change. I don't do well with it. The unknown is so frightening.

When Graham found out we were moving to Virginia, I was excited. All I could think about was how exciting it would be to be back on the East Coast, how close we would be to Charlotte, having a Trader Joe's & a Harris Teeter again, etc. But now the date of the move is getting close. We're supposed to be in Virginia by the middle of June, and now I am stressed out, anxious, and most of all, afraid.

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There are a lot of things that are bringing up these negative emotions:

I don't want to leave my job here. I'm underpaid (especially since I have a college degree & a lot of loans to pay off...) and I'm not utilizing that degree I worked my butt off for, but I really enjoy my job. There's always something going on, the people I work with are great, and I could not ask for a better boss. She has been SO flexible with my insane schedule demands. When Graham & went home last April to get married, I gave her literally one days notice that I needed a week and a half off, and she was okay with that. There are no words how much it has meant to me to be able to go home to Charlotte as much as I have, and I don't think I would have had that at any other job. My last two jobs were so demanding and so rigid, this place is a breath of fresh air and I will miss it & the people so much.

I'm worried about the security of the area. Langley Air Force Base is in Hampton, VA and I've heard/read a LOT of negatives about the area. I assumed base would be a safe place to live, since the base here does 100% ID checks. My mom couldn't even go on base with me when she came for a visit without going into the visitors center & getting a pass. Apparently Langley doesn't do ID checks all the time. I was reading on their Facebook page that there have been a lot of break in's, mail theft, etc. Since my husband is deployable, feeling safe is MY number one priority. This past summer I walked Hermione on base, every night until about 9:00. It didn't get dark until 8:45, but I never once felt unsafe since I knew the base was secure.

I'm terrified about where we're going to live. We have a nice house here. And it was about $95,000. You know what you can get for $95,000 in Virginia? A shack in the ghetto. I'm not going to have a job when we move (pray that I find one fast!) and my income won't be able to be counted until I've been at that job at least a year, some mortgage companies even say two... Even the small amount of money I've made this year pushes what the mortgage calculators say we can afford up significantly. It pushes what we can get up from a decent house in the ghetto, to a nice house in one of the more desirable areas. So, where does that leave us? Renting? Throwing away $1200 a month on rent for at least six months, maybe even a year? Not to mention our pets. Base housing has a two pet limit. Most apartments have a weight limit for dogs. I will live in a tent before I part with any of my pets. Period. End of discussion.

I'm just anxious. And scared of the uncertainty that comes with moving 15 hours across the country. I know I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with it. That is as certain as my pets staying with me. I just have to learn how to not let the fear and anxiety overwhelm me the way it currently is. I know that Virginia has the potential to be absolutely wonderful. It's a beautiful place, one of the most historic places in the country, it's at the beach, close to home, close to places we actually want to visit. The job Graham is taking should be more stable & less stressful, and I'm sure I can find something history related to do (even if it means wearing a bonnet & churning butter at Colonial Williamsburg). I just have to breathe through the fear and make it through these next six months. 

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